Thursday, March 6, 2008

Ponderings on my life

Well, I am here to blog today, what a shock I know. I have been busy lately, but it should slow down some at Zo's party is over. We have one more birthday this weekend and then really nothing much until baseball officially starts.

So lately I have been feeling down in the dumps. Im sure some of it is just living in Indiana and the winter blues (like really this is the third snowiest winter in Indiana history), but other things Im not so sure. I havent really shared any of what is going on in my head with anyone, and I think what happened over the weekend just brought it on full force. Mike completely missed Zo's party at Chuck E Cheese. This has been a sore subject around here for a few weeks as he scheduled the installation of the Verizon FiOS TV to be installed on her birthday and the day of her party. Someone had to be here for the Verizon guy and it had to be an adult. So I was stuck with our four kids plus the ones that came to the party. Thankfully, most of the parents stayed, but it was a lot to deal with on my own. Especially when I was sleep deprived as the night before was the mother/son Laser X night. It wouldnt have pissed me off as bad as it did except that I found out the Verizon guy left at noon (when the party started), but Mike could not get the main computer on the wireless network so he decided that was more important than coming. I know he HATES Chuck E Cheese (really its not my favorite place either), but come on it was Zo's b-day. So, yes I still have an attitude and some resentment over it, and it had reared its head a few times this week. He has been kissing my ass some and did take us to dinner on Saturday night.

By the way, the FiOS TV is awesome, and as of today he added the movie 08 package(Showtime, TMC, Encore, Starz, Flix, Sundance, and IFC) so now I can DVR Big Brother After Dark on Showtime (yup, still kissing ass).

So all that aside, I really do love him, but man I have just been in a funk lately. Im not sure what it is, though all the snow days that I have had to call into work and then be stuck at home with the four brats is probably not helping any (yesterday was another one). Speaking of yesterday, I totally lost it with all the kids. They have been at each other so much lately, and I cant take the constant yelling and bickering any longer. We have got to figure something out, or I will really lose it.

Work has been really stressing me out too. Some of the people that I have to work with up front are just too much to deal with on a daily basis. I finally told the HR manager that I needed to be moved elsewhere. When she asked why, I told her it was not fair to my family for me to be taking home a bad mood that I am getting with from working with ___ and ___. She agreed and I will be moved on the next new schedule. Hopefully things will get better.

So far I have narrowed down what is bother me to
1. constant yelling and bickering between the kids
2. still being stuck at a job I hate
3. the mess in this house (that no matter what I do I can not keep ahead of)
4. the laziness of other people in my life
5. my lack of motivation to do anything
6. my own laziness (which is causing great problems in other body image and such)
7. my lack of time to myself (I always have at least one kid with me unless I am at work and that really doesnt count)
8. feeling like a single parent, even though I am not

I NEED for spring to get here like now. I really dont do well in this weather, I hate to be outside and freeze and really there is nothing to do around here in this weather. The only ice rink is already closed because they have to get the park ready for Easter (egg hunt). I would love to go to a gym, but we really cant afford it. There are things I would love to do (hobbies, walk), but since I have no time to myself, I cant do any of them.

Mike doesnt understand why I need time to because I can do nothing without an interuption from at least one child, if not all. Good example was the other night when my dad called. Every child in this house asked me for something and kept trying to talk to me while I was on the phone. Mike was in the other room, not doing much of anything, and comepletely available to ask anything of.

Well, now I need to go feed three of the kids to make sure Kat is ready for girl scouts when Mike gets here to pick her up. Then I will have to feed the other kid (he is with him), and then feed Mike at some point.

Right now, Zoey is at my feet have a tantrum....I really do love my life (maybe if I keep saying it I will not feel like I dont). I need some ease of this stress, and I am open to any suggestions anyone has. But for now, must go dish up supper.